“I’m sorry you’re thrown into the deep end again” said my manager, who himself had just been thrown into the deep end too. I smiled and reassured him.
“Well, luckily I know how to swim”, but I was scared.
I’d been struggling to sleep through the night, and sometimes have woken up with my heart seemingly beating out of my chest. I’m worried I won’t be able to learn fast enough, I’m worried I’d be of no value if I don’t pull my weight. I worry, that’s who I used to be. And although I thought I’d gotten better at cultivating internal validation, it’s quietly snuck back.
“Take a deep breath” I said to myself as I moved my face slightly. But there really was no point, with the way my mat was set up, the sun was bound to be in my face for another good 10-20 minutes.
The sun shined through the blinds hitting my face in just the right way. Rays of light reflected in my eyes without blinding it. I swore I could see specks of light inside my eyes, and before I knew it they floated up towards the sun. It was as if I awoke from a long dream. I remembered. I remembered who I was (or am) before I became this girl currently lying here. I was a speck of light, not bound by space. I used to float around in the universe and my existence represented that of millions of others just like me. I floated around day after day, year after year, until I heard of this amazing experience of “being human” everyone told me I had to try at least once, and so I did. It was something I decided to do on a whim, while I was on my way to my next destination. Afterall, time was on my side. The entirety of a human life represented only a tiny sliver of time compared to my real life.
It was really just a casual decision, stopping by earth trying this “human experience”. I had stopped by like any tourist would. As if the entire human experience is as unique, temporary, and special as a trip to Paris. I had the same intention / attitude as well. Like a tourist in an exotic land, I’d try all the cool things. Perhaps I’ll visit the Eiffel tower, get some wine, a pizza and eat dinner by the Seine. In this human life, perhaps I’ll get a job, or become partnered with someone, just like all the humans do. A sort of “when-in-Rome” kind of mentality.
My eyes widened as I realized all this, and the specks of light escaped my view. But I could still hear the other specks of light teasing me.
“She’s taking her human life way too seriously” they said, “have you forgotten who you really are?”
I almost felt like defending myself.
“Oh no, of course not. It’s been great, I’ve truly lived to the max. In fact, this girl’s just recently gotten this new role and that sounds fun, right? Pfft, I’m not too attached.”
So there it was, a sort of out of body experience. If even for a split moment, I felt how it feels to not be afraid; if even just a silly day dream, my mind was opened to a completely new perspective. One that feels so much more full of life and sees so much more excitement instead of worry. One that cherishes this life like the vacation you’ve been dreaming of, the kind you’ve saved up for and vowed to try everything you could think of. And even though that mid-day surf by Kuta beach gave you the worst sunburn of your life, that street stall ceviche made you bond with the toilet for the next 3 days, any discomfort and suffering is all but a part of this amazing epic adventure.
As the weekend comes to an end and the stress sneakily returns with almost too much ease, my chest starts to tighten again. But it was as if I was let in on a huge secret, my heart fills with gratitude. If I close my eyes, I can still see the light and feel the sun in my face. Life is but one detour I took, I’m not sure I’ll remember this one after I’m done and I’m not sure I’ll get another one, so may tomorrow be just another exciting day on this precious precious trip.
Image by StockSnap from Pixabay
